i was making a lot of mistakes and then my archery instructor said:
“you make mistakes because you’re focusing on the target and not on your actions”
and i was like woah
thanks for giving me the best life advice i’ve ever gotten
guys just think about how applicable this is to EVERYFUCKINGTHING
I held out for nearly a year but I fell in love with her. I saw her first in my chemistry class in January. She was in the first row, and for the first two weeks, my eyes kept drifting down from the blackboard to her hair; I wanted to know more. In the third week, the professor came up to talk to me and she looked back. My eyes flashed to hers for only an instant, but that was enough. The words playing in my head, unbidden, were, “Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit.” I had not expected that intensity of attraction. My friends say she doesn’t have an attractive face, it wasn’t her face that I responded to.
I didn’t meet her until I was playing the GoT board game with some friends. One of them started collecting money to pay his girlfriend whenever she showed up with the beer. She didn’t recognize me at first, I did. She sat next to a guy who was watching us play and started a conversation with him. She got bored with him and with us, making sarcastic comments about how fun it all was. I wasn’t the biggest fan of the game and so I forfeited the game and started talking to her. At the end of it, she said that we were probably going to be good friends.
I avoided her as much as I could stand for the first several months; I didn’t want to intrude on her relationship. When summer came and the end of a guaranteed connection through school ended, I began to see her more and more, playing video games with her boyfriend while she’d cook for us; on weekends we’d all drink together. For the past three months since she’s moved into her own place (problems with their roommate), I’ve been spending a lot of time one on one with her. Since I swore in, we’ve been spending even more time together. And this whole time we’ve been strictly friends, and she’s still dating the same guy. She’s not happy in the relationship but there’s no real reason to end it. He’s a good person, he just can’t match her ambition. Up til this weekend, I’d done an excellent job of not falling in love with her.
I got back in touch with a friend in a neighboring town and we decided to see UMEK together. He still owed me a pill and I decided I’d go ahead and do it since it’s been over a year. The show came up in concert with this girl and I invited her along. She’s been longing for a chance to dance since her boyfriend isn’t into it and she said she’d come.
Long story short, the X was far more intense than I had remembered and I was not in full control anymore. With every flash of light across her face, her every smooth move, my barriers broke piece by piece until I came to despise the men around trying to get closer to her. Love reentered my being along with every other emotion. My violence has been reawakened and I can’t sleep anymore, alternatively thinking of her and all that needs to be done in the world.
I know what’s coming. The inevitable three months of severe depression as I remind myself that I have no skills, no achievements, nothing to offer, that she and my goals in the science of energy remain forever out of my lethargic reach. Perhaps I could somehow summon the energy to better myself and face her as an equal, but I feel no motivation to change my fundamental view of existence and I have no intention of trying to tie myself to a woman of such power and purpose to a man such as I, of impotent desire and willpower, with no expectation of happiness, living like a fucking shadow.
Haha, of course Mouthful of Diamonds plays right as I finish this.